The roller coaster we call life.

At 11:11 on 9.30.11 I am sitting on my computer. I should be asleep. My body has other ideas. For the first time in ages, I got up at 6 A.M. to do morning yoga. I treated myself to a full caf latte. That combo did me in. Not only have I been lazy about eating healthy macro food, I've barely been eating enough to keep moving. I haven't been exercising and I've been indulging too often. Now the caffeine is keeping me up. Did I mention the coffee that I just finished? What was I thinking?? Coffee is definitely the hardest. A friend of mine turned me on to "dandy blend." It really is very good. I think I need to go get some tomorrow morning.

How does one conquer the motivational demon? I seem to be able to beat everything but myself.

My boss told me today, after all my friends and coworkers that are in the loop have already said the same, that I should go back to my doctor and ask to see the oncologist now. Just to be certain. I went to an allergist yesterday to try to get to the source of the erratic and severe episodes of hives that I've been experiencing. He sent me home with an emergency plan in case they get worse but no real answers other than 90% of cases like mine never get explained. I am tired of doctors, but maybe they're right. What if it actually is cancer and she missed it, or what if it's actually nothing to worry about? It would be good to have the second opinion. I'm just tired of doctors and knives. That should be motivation enough!

What goes up, must come down.

After my surgery last week, I received a letter telling me that my dysplasia was severe, but there was no cancer detected. I celebrated by allowing myself a small bit of white flour here, a lil snifter of excellent local pear brandy there, but still being mostly good. I was so very elated not to have the "C" word hanging over my head. Today I went in for my followup exam.

I left more than a little deflated. The dysplasia had spread. She took another biopsy, and that also does not show cancer, but my doctor was concerned. Today she said the words "oncologist" and "if you were over 50 I'd recommend a hysterectomy." Basically she thinks that this is not over. In six months I have an appointment for another biopsy. If the condition has not gotten better or (and here I shudder) gotten worse, I will be sent to the oncologist for further treatment.

I'm trying not to see this as a setback, basically this just means that I will be trying my best to stick to the healing phase of the Macrobiotic diet. I have begun looking for a macro counselor or a weekend program here on the West Coast. I stopped at Uwajimaya and got ume plum paste and vinegar, hijiki, some veggies, and a new wok to replace my teflon coated one for a little retail therapy and motivation.  Then I stopped at Powell's and got my own copies of the macrobiotics books I had checked out from the library. Onward and upward?