Hiccups and finding my stride.

Well It's been nearly nine months since my surgery. I had my second biopsy a few months ago. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. My mutation spread, but isn't really doing much at the moment. I have an oncologist now. We have a "battle plan." It consists of watch and wait, we're all stealth vs. shock-and-awe. I like that. Cancer ninjas. I struggle some days, some days I can actually forget what it feels like to be a cancer chick. I have another test to schedule next month? Awesome. *insert wryface*

On dealing:

Cancer or "not not cancer" is not sexy. Who wants a sick chick laying around on their couch resting? No! They want a happy, sexy, tough biologist (or insert whatever occupation/identifier you choose) chick. I'd like to think I'm a mostly happy, sexy cancer biologist chick. I did not feel sexy on the Macro diet. I cooked two hours a day at least, and had to drive out of my way to get the proper ingredients for eating. I felt trapped in my food, what's healing about that?? I stopped really following the macro principles. I still ate mostly only whole foods, grains and veggies, or as I usually put it, twigs and berries, but it was sporadic and definitely not balanced. I stayed sick and tired. My immune system still not working the way it should. Systemic fungal infections, still with the occasional crazy skin rashes, fatigue, and general moodiness.

Enter Kris Carr: My awesome and very sexy friend Sarah suggested I read Kris Carr's book "Crazy, Sexy Diet." I picked it up from the library and discovered that she also wrote a book on cancer: "Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips." I checked them both out and immediately started tweaking my ideas about food, and cancer, a bit. This lady has done her research. She, like me, started out going Macro to try to get well and came to the same place with it. Then she encountered the Hippocrates Health Institute and became a self-labeled "healing junkie." I've no plans to go all out like she did, (Wheatgrass enema? No thanks!) but I've started having green smoothies for breakfast instead of coffee. For a week now, I've not had morning caffeine and no withdrawal headaches. (Oh, yeah, I fell of the latte cart, too.) I feel mostly good, better than I have been definitely. That's the goal: Feel good, be healthy.

The roller coaster we call life.

At 11:11 on 9.30.11 I am sitting on my computer. I should be asleep. My body has other ideas. For the first time in ages, I got up at 6 A.M. to do morning yoga. I treated myself to a full caf latte. That combo did me in. Not only have I been lazy about eating healthy macro food, I've barely been eating enough to keep moving. I haven't been exercising and I've been indulging too often. Now the caffeine is keeping me up. Did I mention the coffee that I just finished? What was I thinking?? Coffee is definitely the hardest. A friend of mine turned me on to "dandy blend." It really is very good. I think I need to go get some tomorrow morning.

How does one conquer the motivational demon? I seem to be able to beat everything but myself.

My boss told me today, after all my friends and coworkers that are in the loop have already said the same, that I should go back to my doctor and ask to see the oncologist now. Just to be certain. I went to an allergist yesterday to try to get to the source of the erratic and severe episodes of hives that I've been experiencing. He sent me home with an emergency plan in case they get worse but no real answers other than 90% of cases like mine never get explained. I am tired of doctors, but maybe they're right. What if it actually is cancer and she missed it, or what if it's actually nothing to worry about? It would be good to have the second opinion. I'm just tired of doctors and knives. That should be motivation enough!

What goes up, must come down.

After my surgery last week, I received a letter telling me that my dysplasia was severe, but there was no cancer detected. I celebrated by allowing myself a small bit of white flour here, a lil snifter of excellent local pear brandy there, but still being mostly good. I was so very elated not to have the "C" word hanging over my head. Today I went in for my followup exam.

I left more than a little deflated. The dysplasia had spread. She took another biopsy, and that also does not show cancer, but my doctor was concerned. Today she said the words "oncologist" and "if you were over 50 I'd recommend a hysterectomy." Basically she thinks that this is not over. In six months I have an appointment for another biopsy. If the condition has not gotten better or (and here I shudder) gotten worse, I will be sent to the oncologist for further treatment.

I'm trying not to see this as a setback, basically this just means that I will be trying my best to stick to the healing phase of the Macrobiotic diet. I have begun looking for a macro counselor or a weekend program here on the West Coast. I stopped at Uwajimaya and got ume plum paste and vinegar, hijiki, some veggies, and a new wok to replace my teflon coated one for a little retail therapy and motivation.  Then I stopped at Powell's and got my own copies of the macrobiotics books I had checked out from the library. Onward and upward? 

Recuperation.

I'm holed up away from the world with a stack of books, fresh air, and lots of quiet. I'll get the results of the success of my surgical procedure later this week. I'm trying not to think about it. I am however reading more about macrobiotic principles and healing with food. I do not want to have to go through this again if I can help it, and thousands of people who have beat disease using diet give me hope that I can get better and stay that way by simply adjusting my lifestyle away from foods that inhibit or distract the immune system from it's primary job: keeping me healthy and whole.
I've read a little more on nightshade vegetables, and I'm still not wholly convinced that they're all bad. Tomatoes, at least organic locally grown heirloom varieties, do not seem to have too many detrimental effects when eaten in season and sparingly. Peppers on the other hand seem to have several compounds than can interfere with the factors in white blood cells that attack and destroy tissue that is abnormal. So for now, no peppers for me. Potatoes also seem to be mostly alright in moderation and in season as long as they are stored away from light and do not develop sprouts or any green pigment. The chemicals in the developing eyes is fairly toxic, even when cooked. Eggplants are proving elusive, I can't find any specific information on them, but again, in season and local in moderation may be alright.

The waiting game:T minus 20.

I'm about ready to start shuffling about responsibilities onto volunteers for an indefinite period. Probably only a few days, but plan for the worst, hope for the best right? My baby is going to stay with the grandparents (the furry baby that is.) The scaly one is fine for a week or so without me. I'm taking my car out to my chosen recuperation place and will drive back into town tonight with my "responsible adult with appropriate vehicle." I can't eat or drink anything after midnight, (I'm starting to wonder if they think I'll multiply and turn into a gremlin) and I can't even drink water in the morning before my surgery. I was hoping for a calming cup of tea, but no. Ugh.
Tonight when I get back, I'm cooking dinner and packing up food, and going shopping for the week. The past few days have convinced me that there's something to this macrobiotic movement. The anxiety and general unease I've had has minimized rather than increased. I'm not sure whether it's the food or a product of the acceptance stage. Either way, I'm committed. Now where'd I put my cup of bancha? (They call it kukicha at Tao of Tea.) Seriously, you should try this stuff! It's very low caffeine, excellent taste and alkalinizing as well. It's as good cool as warm, so if I misplace my cup, it's just as tasty when I find it half an hour later!

Kitchen purge aftermath.

So I have a box in front of me. The last vestiges of new no-nos from what I thought was an already ridiculously healthy kitchen. The sight makes me not just a bit irritated with myself for doing this, and also makes my stubborn part more determined out of spite for the weaker voice clinging to comfort foods. The organic unbleached (but still white) flour I can part with easily. No heartache over white and processed flours. Salt and oil cured olives cause a little twinge, but not too bad, ditto the jar of roasted red peppers. Salt and fats are taboo, as are nightshades (tomatoes, eggplant, potatoes, and peppers) in any large quantity. The pain comes when I get to three things. Two walk hand in hand: coconut milk along with powder, green paste, and red chili paste curries (I'm a curry junkie). Curries are my cold weather staple. They warm me to my toes and give me a lovely endorphin high. And the saturated fat in coconut milk and immunoirritants in curry place them high on the do-not-eat list. Third and definitely the most despair inciting, cocoa powder. Ghirardelli Sweet Ground Chocolate & Cocoa and -my heart lurches- a full canister of Dagoba organic cacao powder. Oh. My. Lord and lady. That one really really hurts. Mexican cocoa, the real homemade kind is my supreme self-love gesture. The caffeine alone makes it verboten, but it also apparently contains other compounds that aggravate the immune system. Now I'm giving it up as a more supreme gesture of self-love. So it begins: whole grains, vegetables, beans, limited temperate climate fruits, yoga, meditation, and avoidance of excessive or negatively stressful stimulus. Little or no caffeine, sugar, white flours, nightshade vegetables (though there's some debate on this point, it bears more research), strong spices, processed food, or animal foods.

T minus 84 hours. Commencing the kitchen purge... in 10...

So far since my diagnosis, I've bombarded the library with requests, laughed and cried, and managed to avoid actually making any lasting changes to the kitchen. Tonight I'm raiding the fridge and cupboards. The casualties are most likely going to make their way over to my sisters house. They're taking up a piscivorous diet: mostly vegetarian with some sea critters. I just picked up "Foods that Fight Pain" by Dr. Neal Barnard, M.D. It was the final little push I needed to get the battle joined. His dietary suggestions for cancer, immune disorders, and hormone related diseases is all largely the same. I just need to do it. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This all started with my bout with shingles in January. The low energy, poor digestion and frequent illness, and now what I'm calling my "mutation" ('cause I don't know and refuse to believe that it is cancer) should be motivation enough but I'm a stubborn woman sometimes. I did actually give up caffeine with one slip last Saturday in the form of a cup of coffee. And a latte that afternoon. And then by accident of habit the next morning, but strangely enough, that last one tasted so hideous I've had no problem since drinking my bancha tea. No caffeine at all. That said... I may feel different in a couple of hours when I'm staring at a box of the things I'm making a commitment to give up for good at home. Here goes nothin...